Crossing the Cheyenne Line...

The Ataris -- The Cheyenne Line

"You say this is the end
I know it's not the end
I took a picture
of heaven when we broke down
across the shining light
I never will forget
the color of last night
over us.

We missed the point in living
so caught up in this moment
we threw out all convictions
and traded them for substance
this life we hold so dear
will fade in...
time spend wasted on a lie
it's time you found some frame of mind
this life you hold so near
will fade in time."

I heard this song the other day, or rather, I watched this song since I found a video of it on Youtube. Pretty cool WoW video, if you're a fan of the game, you should search for the /dance video, it's really, really good. As is this song!

I think I finally found a term for something I've been wanting to write about for a while now. There are times, in our lives, when we think that we can't do something. Or we know that we can, but it'll take everything we've got, and then maybe a little more. Still, there's a line in our minds, a boundary that we know exists, and we're NOT sure if we can actually succeed if our endeavors take us past this line. I'm going to start calling it the Cheyenne Line because I think it's appropriate.

For instance, this past week our basement flooded. Our car died. A part of my knee is dead (which isn't scary, but is painful, but is also kind of cool because I have a zombie knee). And you'd think, with all of that happening, I'd just want to curl up and go to sleep. I'd be lying to say I didn't want to at times, especially yesterday, boy did yesterday suck, but ... I'm not broken down. I crossed my own Cheyenne Line, and I know when I did it.

Two days ago, while Jenn and I were working our asses off in the basement, I looked at our rolled up 15x10 soggy carpet and realized someone had to get that thing out of there. Jenn tried, while I watched, and it was just too damn heavy. To be honest, at the time, I wasn't exactly sure if I could do it, or even help with it. But, and I'm sure glad Jenn didn't record it as it must have looked about the most foolish thing in the world, I took a hold of that thing and dragged it up out of the basement and out onto the driveway, myself.

I think it's the hardest I've pushed myself since the initial surgeries, and I succeeded, if only just barely. I'm being honest about that, I think it was about the extremity of my ability now, but I took a heavy piece of wet carpet UP stairs, with a bum knee that they say should be replaced, hurting. Dead in spots.

Afterwards, I just kind of sat down in the chair for a bit and marveled at exactly how much I hurt, and how good it felt to be hurting so much. I'm sure, while that's probably the weirdest terminology to use, that each of you reading it understands it completely.

So, there I was, crossing that line, and ever since, I've felt this determination inside. There are things out there that can break your heart, there are things out there that can fill you with doubt about who you are, what you believe in, practically anything any of us value about ourselves. And that's perfectly natural, for all of us, to have these doubts.

The point, though, is that if I had started out dragging that carpet thinking I probably couldn't do it... there's no way I would have. If you want to know the secret of crossing the Cheyenne Line, that's it right there. You have to remove all doubt, you have to trust in yourself, in who you are, in what you believe, and ...pull. Lift. Struggle. Strive upwards. Jenn was at the top of those stairs. She was counting on me, she was waiting for me, she needed me to do this.

It was just a dirty carpet coming out of a basement. It was also a testament of the very core of who I want to be, who I try to be. It was putting my worries and pain aside for the good of something bigger than myself, for someone else. I didn't succeed because I was strong enough (as my knee and back can attest today, oooowwww), I succeeded because I BELIEVED strong enough.

Crossing the Cheyenne Line isn't easy. It never will be easy, no matter how many times you do it. Sometimes you'll try and not make it. Just remember to close your eyes, picture your own Jennifer at the top of those stairs... and give it all. Be truly alive, while you can. Forget if you failed yesterday, and remember that it isn't always what you do first, but often what we do LAST that makes the biggest difference.

There's always time to try again.